With another Fourth of July behind us, I have to pause and laugh at how uncool I’ve become over the years. Let me rephrase that: My coolness is like an inverted bell curve. It was high before kids, it dipped at ludicrous speed when my kids were infants, and now it’s back on the rise as they’re getting older 😉
Before I had kids I would glare at my husband on the Fourth of July like: All you bought were snakes and sparklers?! Get the f— out of here and go buy something illegal.
Then my daughter was born and she was a whole four months old for her first Fourth of July and I was like: Dear God I hope all the neighbors just have snakes this year.
From 2013-2016 I cringed all night after each BOOM terrified that one of my babies would wake and send me into a spiral of nursing/rocking. This was the first year I breathed lighter, but I was undoubtedly thinking of all the new parents out there in battle.
That said, today I’m rounding up my favorite annoyances that I overlooked as a non-parent. If you’re a non-parent and you’re reading this, I already love you; stick around!
If you’re a parent with a young child, virtual glass tip… the struggle is real!!
1. Balloons in the grocery store
I just have to know… who is the asshat that puts balloons all over the grocery store?! I mean… what sort of sick joke is it to put them in the checkout lane where kids will be stationary waiting in line?!
I’m mildly kidding; I know you’re not a real asshat. It’s science. There’s empirical research on product placement and buyer behavior… but for the love of all that is good, when you’ve got young kids who understand nothing about property rights and their emotions still override logic it’s like “COME ON”. You wouldn’t believe some of the moves I’ve busted out to distract my kid from a pathetically oversized Paw Patrol balloon.
2. Waiting for the check at a restaurant
I spent nearly a decade in the food service industry and have an insurmountable level of respect for those that have worked in that industry. Moment of appreciation for all of y’all.
We don’t eat out a lot because my youngest is still a little unpredictable, but when we do happen to stop at a restaurant and it’s time to abort mission I feel an internal sense of urgency like never before: “Oh my gawwwddddd someone just give me a bill I don’t even care if it’s mine!!”
I never dropped off checks right away because I didn’t want my guests to feel rushed; but if I ever went back to that realm of work and had an infant/toddler in my section, that check would be printed, in my apron, and I’d have a hawk-eye over those parents like: I got your back Eagle-1. You just give me a signal.
3. Someone parking too close
This is already a serious annoyance for anyone, but before I had kids I could Gumby my way into my car with minimal issues. Then came the carseat and I was like Denzel Washington in the last scene of Training Day (“Oh you mother f—ers”)!!! Please leave me a can opener so that I can get into my car.
4. Walkway etiquette
Isn’t there unspoken walkway etiquette that should be followed on tighter sections of pathway? A pregnant lady pushing a double-wide stroller with her two Labradors (I’ve seen this… and I was like “I salute you”) should get the right-of-way (respectively of course) over a group of middle school girls walking in a 1 x 5 formation making Snapchat stories. Everyone moves for the elderly and handicapped. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to help my husband untangle our stroller from an 18-foot leash on a Yorkie.
5. The poor UPS/FedEx guy
I love you, UPS/FedEx guy (Rachel! Do you remember the FedEx guy?!?!).
I love getting a delivery but if I hear a knock on my door during a nap time Imma open that door with a karate chop.
Before kids I would open the door with a beer 😉
Except I didn’t even sign up to see you… so I open the door with a Katana. You never got a beer.
Before kids… I ultimately didn’t care because I wasn’t flying with anyone I was responsible for (other than myself but she’s generally behaved). Just give me more wine I’m going on holiday/going home!!
Two years ago I busted out my boob so that my baby could nurse during take-off (to help out with her little ears) and we spent 40 minutes taxiing around Boston Logan; My stress levels went through the fuselage and I seriously thought about yelling “Snakes on the plane!!!!” so that I could get off and cry myself into a nap. It’s all fun and games until you have to travel with young children.
For the record I let my baby gnaw at my boob for almost an hour and it was lovely. My nipple effectively turned into rubber but she was quiet. #halfwinning
Can you add to the list?! I’d love to hear!!