Last night, I failed you. You needed a different version of me last night, and I failed. I promise with everything inside of me to do better next time; I’m willing and I’m capable, and I’m just so sorry my sweet child.
Last night my expectations far exceeded our reality. Often times there’s a number of variables that exist outside of our circumstance that weigh on me. They build. The build so high that I reach out for any sense of “normalcy” in a routine of ours; but you weren’t ready for this overnight. It was such an unrealistic expectation to expect so much of out of you in one moment. It was blatantly unfair, and I’m so very sorry.
Your sister loathed the idea of cuddling (until recently). Legitimately loathed it. She would nurse as an infant and then open one eye to make sure I wasn’t touching her. So unnatural, right?!
Then came you and you’ve been rolled up in my lap since you were born. I find solace in knowing my arms are your home. I’m your protector; your safe zone.
I struggle with balancing soaking in these short-lived moments and encouraging you to do even more things independently. My job is to make sure you have the toolkit you need to venture confidently into unfamiliar situations, but it’s also my job to be there when you need me. This balance is difficult. So difficult that I’ve yet again been humbled as I journey through it. I know I’m not alone.
Struggling with this balance doesn’t make me a subpar mother. It was not respecting or having an appreciation for what your tolerance was last night that made me a subpar mother. You’re still so little. You needed me, and I failed you. I grew frustrated and impatient. You were upset, probably confused and a little scared. Our behavior only magnified and magnified until the situation just got unmanageable. I crossed the line that I set for myself emotionally. I paused. I looked into your seeping little eyes and I just collapsed into your tiny arms. I didn’t ever want to let go.
You needed my help. You needed my support and encouragement, a mother’s touch. I gave it all to you.
As I stroked your hair and sang you our song you slowly drifted to sleep in your own bed. I couldn’t help but see myself dancing with you at your wedding to that song; you towering over me like I never thought possible. Not needing me like you do now, and how I’ll never get back these moments with you. I unapologetically sobbed like a crazy person over your tiny shoulder. I thought to myself how I’m not ready to push you away.
I don’t know what tonight holds. I don’t know what “normal” is or how other parents are handling this in their home (it’s not my business). But I know this- you deserve better than I gave you last night, and I know I’m willing and capable of doing that. So let’s roll kid ❤️